Farewell - Perpisahan

I'm a very sensitive person. I get sentimental easily. Easily feel bad for people. BUT I never really show it to avoid being dramatic. Trust me, I am a crybaby. 

Maybe it's because I only have lived for over 20 years in this world and I'm still learning to let go and accepting fate. I used to get attached easily but learned to overcome that after uni. If it's meant to be, then it'll mean to be. Semuanya atas kehendakNya. 

I had gone through a few farewells and it's still sad each time. Remembering how close we can get to a used-to-be-stranger and share all stories but then have to part ways while keeping all the memories with us. Farewell is good, it taught us growth, treasure the present moments-appreciate while they are still here and all. 

Trust me, I hate farewells but I also appreciate the concept of parting ways - we don't belong anywhere yet people make us feel belonged while it lasts and I tend to appreciate the people more when we part ways. We can't stay in one phase forever, it's either people change or you change. 

I recently have ended my apprenticeship and had to be the first to say goodbye to everyone. It was very very sad. I cried 2 weeks earlier in my bedroom, thinking that I'll be leaving such great colleagues and good people there. Was preparing my farewell speech but didn't get to say it out loud because I was too 'sebak' but no worries, I managed to text everyone on how thankful I am for them. Alhamdulillah, this apprenticeship had taught me a lot - even helped me in developing my personality. 

Will forever be grateful, dan terhutang budi dengan orang-orang di situ. I'll pray for the best for every single one of them in that department. Terima kasih sebab jadi orang-orang yang baik, yang sabar, yang banyak membantu. 

I know this is not a goodbye. We'll meet again one day inshaAllah. 

OVERCONSUMPTION. OVERCONSUMPTION. OVERCONSUMPTION.

 The influences in consumerism is insane nowadays! 

Was scrolling on a 'clock' app yesterday, found a video of person using a nokia button phone, attached beg kuning on it too. At that moment, I realized that enough is enough. 

I can't enjoy this app like back then. It's full of affiliate content these days. 

People keep buying things they don't need. And for what reason? Because everyone else have it? Because it's trending? 

I understand if it's a necessity but-

buying an extra stuff just because it's cute while u just bought the same thing last month but in different color is just insane. 

Trust me, it's a waste of money and a waste of space. 

(The intention of this post is purely as a reminder to me. A victim of consumerism as well. I can't look at any cute items anymore...I must stand on what I posted. I must learn to buy less. I must use things until it breaks. Unless.......if it's really cute..........but again, I must be strong!!)

rastu rasty

My English is getting worse now. It's so bad compared to my 17 year old English essay. Hence, the comeback post for this blog. 

Not much update I can give to you but I'm currently doing an apprenticeship program at this one organization in KL. Perhaps i'll get in but in different department, lol. Oh, I'm a fresh (not so fresh) graduated now. Ended my degree last year and currently have 4 months left for my apprenticeship. 

Honestly, there's not much interesting story to tell but maybe it's due to my bad memory. Well, maybe I have many fun stories if I'm showing a bit more enthusiasm in life. Kidding (not really. help. I wish i'm enthusiast enough and yes, I need to work on my boring life) 

Hm.

Let me think. Do I have any good stories to tell? 

Haa! 

There was this one time, during peak hour in the morning. You know how packed the train is, I was literally glued to the door on my left side (nearly squashed but not squashed yet) and I was facing this guy and he was facing me too. I couldn't even pretend to look at my phone cause I couldn't move (it was packed, yes, that kind of packed that I can't even move my arms) so I looked at the window. Watching the scenery in the morning. PJ in the morning is so pretty (from the LRT's pov). 

"Next station is Universiti" and my side of the train was facing the highway not the station. All of sudden, the door made a weird sound almost like it was about to fall and yes, I was right. The door  opened and I fell  the guy in front of me fell. He smelled good though. No worries, someone else caught him, a bigger guy. You thought I can catch him? Oh no, if I do, I'll fall with him too. Fall in love takpe, fall on the highway? Nope. I still want to live. We then stopped at Universiti for an hour. Ambulance came, the guy asked me to follow as well in case of any injuries since he grabbed me before he fell. Not gonna lie, the grabbed was harsh, my shoulder bruised. 

On the way to the hospital which our nearest was PPUM, this guy has been whining too much. Talked about how he supposed to present a proposal by today and had to go for outstation to Sabah by next week for a project he supposed to proposed that day. I keep listening while thinking in my head how his injuries were not that bad and he surely can go to work afterwards but okay, keep talking though because I definitely have nothing to contribute to the conversation. So, i guess listening is the only kind thing I can do for him.  

Arrived in PPUM, I was getting the treatment for my shoulder. It strained and had bit of internal injuries. Wow kuat gak dia tarik. I was set for another appointment by the next week. 

Dah lah, malas nak sambung. Cerita ni rekaan je. Part betul hanyalah perenggan pertama. 

Exhibit A: Thoughts Process

I had lost all of my old notepads when I formatted my laptop. However I found one of the recent ones (probably from months ago) and I want to share it here. 

[27/5/2023]

Recently, I was praying to Allah, asking him about the thoughts that I keep having, wether it comes from me purely or from the shaytan. 

It made me realise, only Allah knows me best. Indeed, He knows everything best.  

I suddenly felt as though reality had struck me. Even things about myself that I thought I knew very well, I actually don't.

I feel tiny.

-

As if I've been very arrogant about myself.; thinking I'm the only one that knows me best. Wrong. Allah knows best. 

 

begitula ceritanya

Ramai orang cakap yang 2020 ni tak wujud. Banyak sangat bencana. Banyak juga ujian. Lain orang lain ujian dia. Kita semua punya perspektif berbeza when it comes to it. Yang penting, jangan banding. Bersyukur dengan ujian. Itu tanda Allah sayang. Boleh jadi penghapus dosa juga.

Hujung bulan Jun dan awal bulan Julai, mak mengadu sakit. Selalu mak kalau sakit, boleh lagi ke dapur, masak untuk keluarga tapi kalini teruk sampai nak bangun pun tak larat. Bangun pun, nak solat je. Pastu reda untuk beberapa minggu setelah ke klinik dan dibekalkan beberapa jenis ubat. Kemudian, 2 minggu sebelun Julai habis, patutnya kami ke Temerloh, ada kenduri kahwin sedara. Memang dah plan dah dengan sedara mara nak buat family trip la gitu tapi apakan daya, kami tak dapat la bersama. 

Sakit mak melarat, jadi kami sepakat bawak mak ke hospital. Time ni memang mak nak bercakap pun tak larat. Perlahan je suara mak. Nak bangun pun tak larat. Kita tengok pun sedih sebab tak pernah tengok mak macam ni tapi takde la menangis depan mak. Orang kata jangan tunjuk sedih depan orang sakit, nanti dia terus unmotivated. Turned out, mak kena hantar ke hospital Manjung pulak, sebab macam serius. 

Maka, 2 hari pertama di hospital Manjung, kak Siti jaga. Semua okay. Terkawal. Alhamdulillah. 

Esoknya, giliran aku jaga mak sebab kak Siti ngan kak Sarah akan kembali ke PJ dalam maghrib camtu. Tapi time asar, kak Sarah datang lawat mak, nak salam la nak balik kan. Tetibe mak mengadu sesak nafas, 5 doktor datang keliling mak. kak Sarah masih di sisi mak tapi kak Sarah nak balik jadi dia cepat cepat suruh aku naik dan aku pun nak naik sebab nak solat asar, lagi 45 minit camtu nak maghrib dah ni. Jadi kami pun pass baton, tapi aku pegi surau dulu, nak kejar asar. Habis je lipat telekung, phone bunyi, ayah call. "Dr cari kau tu, kau kat mana? Pegi cepat". Aku rushing ke wad. Pastu time nak ke ward, abg naim pulak call. Sambil bercakap ngan abg naim, aku pergi ke nurse. Pastu dia bawak aku jumpa doktor. Time otw jumpa doktor, nampak katil mak. Nampak mak tengah baring terlentang camtu. Tak sedarkan diri. Ada 4 doktor sekeliling mak tengah tepuk tepuk tangan mak. Dalam hati dah panik, tapi aku cuba tenang sebab doktor tengah cakap ngan aku. Sambil doktor explain, aku tahan air mata jap. Tak pernah tengok mak camtu. Terkejut. "Okay, kalau boleh awak duduk jauh sikit ye dari mak". Aku pun keluar kejap cari nafas. Phone asyik berdering. 

Ayah lang call. Dia cakap dia nak melawat tak boleh, pagar dah tutup. Dia tak tau lagi pasal keadaan mak. Time ni aku diam je. Cakap pun "hm" "hm" je sebab tengah tahan nangis. Tapi gagal, terus keluar suara menggigil "Mak tak sedarkan diri. Kritikal. Mohon doakan ye ayahlang". Terus suara risau. "Allahuakbar, baik baik. Ayahlang doakan" sambil mengumat doa untuk mak dalam bahasa Arab. Lepas ayahlang call, abg naim pulak. Abg Naim dah kat Behrang, dia dari rumah, nak balik KL. "Ha apa jadi kat mak? Kenapa dr call abang?" Masa ni tahan nangis lagi. Aku diam je. Time ni abg Naim tengah berhenti kat masjid. "Mak tengah tak sedarkan diri" suara aku menggigil. Bayangkan tak pernah nangis depan family. Abg Naim speechless. "so, patut ke abang teruskan perjalanan?" "tak tau la" sambil nangis. Tetibe ayah pulak call. "jap, ayah call" "ha okay". Ayah pulak call. "Ha kenapa ngan mak?" sambil ada suara kak Sarah kat belakang. Suara risau. "Nak kami patah balik ke?" "Takpe la" padahal tak kuat. 

(note: abg naim yang sudah di Behrang tadi patah balik ke rumah. risau. kak siti dan kak sarah pun tak jadi balik PJ. berita yang aku sampaikan ke whatsapp group buat semua tak tenang dan berdebar jadi semua decided untuk cuti seminggu.)

Malam tu rasa macam lama sangat. Dr pakar datang explain keadaan mak. Mak memang tengah under ICU. Means: kritikal. Pukul 10 malam baru boleh rilek sekejap. Mata dah penat nak tido tapi lapar. Jadi, makan la kejap. Sambil whatsapp kak siti, bagitau dia yang aku tak kuat nak hadap mak dalam keadaan camni. Dia setuju nak datang awal pagi ganti aku. 

Lusanya, giliran aku jaga. Tengah lap lap badan mak, ada sorang makcik ni tengah tengok aku buat kerja. Makcik ni nak ambik anak dia. Anak dia satu malam je kat wad tu. Sebab awkward tengok makcik ni tenung je aku lap badan mak, aku pun berbual la sambil sambil tu, pastu dah habis berbual, dia pegi ke anak dia. Pastu dalam 5 minit camtu dia datang balik. Ada duit rm20 kat tangan dia. Dia salam sambil bagi aku duit tu. "eh makcik, apa ni?" "eh takpe, ambik je la. makcik doakan mak awak cepat sembuh" time tu mashaAllah speechless. Terus cakap terima kasih. Moga makcik tu sentiasa dalam rahmat Allah swt. Baiknya manusia. 

Sepanjang kat hospital, banyak orang baik aku jumpa. Banyak bagi pengajaran. Banyak benda boleh buat muhasabah diri. Sesungguhnya hospital ni memang boleh buat kita insaf. Contoh masa malam pertama aku jaga mak. Itu memang psiko otak. Nak tido, tapi bunyi mesin keliling mak tu buat aku anxious. resah. Jadi, tak tido la aku dibuatnya. Tido sejam, bangun sejam, tido sejam, bangun sejam. Berapa kali terbangun sambil jantung berdegup laju. Masa ni aku memang tak kuat tapi aku doa je la mampu. Anxiety aku buat aku rasa nak muntah, pening kepala tahan resah tapi Alhamdulillah, despite all of that, aku dapat hadap. 

Lepas tu mak masuk ICU. Dah masuk ICU, kami tak dapat la jaga. Jadi duduk rumah sama-sama, bacakan yasin dan solat hajat ramai ramai. Setiap hari kami lawat mak. Ulang alik. Manjung- Kg Gajah. Nak dekat sejam la perjalanan. 

Dalam keadaan macam ni, family je la paling banyak buat aku bersyukur. Bersyukur selalu susah sama-sama. Senang pun sama-sama. 

Pastu minggu depannya, aku accident. Aku drive time tu. Time tu raya haji ketiga kot. Orang masih ramai. Abang-abang semua busy melapah. Tapi tetap datang lastnya, ayah sekali datang. Camne boleh accident tu takyah citer la hahaha. Alhamdulillah takde siapa cedera cuma mata aku la sampai sekarang cam tak selesa sangat. Maybe power naik kot sebab aritu tak tau la mungkin kaca ke apa masuk mata. Then, mata aku calar. Dr kata cam sisik ular. Yekkkk tapi appointment kedua tu dia kata mata dah okay. Hehehe Alhamdulillah cuma maybe power aku naik kot. 

Alhamdulillah, after 2 weeks in the hospital, mak dah discharge. Dah seminggu dah mak kat rumah ni. 

Tapi keadaannya masih lemah sebab bedsore tu menyakitkan sangat. Doakan mak saya. Bestfriend kami semua adik beradik. Cepat sihat, mak! 

31/8/2020

.

salam and hi.
i need a platform to express what i feel.
but i'm scared i'll be too annoying.

i'm just tired of living.
but i'm scared to die.

i'm just tired of feeling like a useless piece of shit.
i'm tired of feeling sad all the time.
i'm tired of persuading myself that i'm okay when reality is i'm not

self-love

i wanna make this post a special one.
kind of a love letter to whoever out there are struggling with themselves,
feeling less, feeling not good enough, feeling sad, heart broken, wanna disappear from the world,

well,
it's okay to feel all those things,
it's normal,
it's part of life,
part of growing up,

if u don't feel any of those,
when/ how are you going to change?
how are you going to get up and move on?
how are you going to learn and improvised?
and more importantly, how are you going to heal and know your worth?

ive been dealing with a lot of these for the past 3 years and kept on telling myself that there are so many people out there who are unfortunate and yet, still being grateful.

i was mad at myself for not knowing how to control my emotions, my feelings.
well, basically i was (still is)  mad for not being honest, not being kind to myself.

so who did this to me? well, most of the part was school and myself.

after finishing form 6, i kinda feel happier. (pls dont tell me "oh wait for uni" cuz i know it's going to hit me like a bus or train or like shipwreck in titanic but pls let me enjoy the moment) at least, most of my days are full with sunshine and rainbows now compare to when i was in school. i do feel sad sometimes, we all do but that's life.

(this made me nervous thinking about uni. idk if i would get accepted by any of them that i applied to, im scared if i don't get one. cuz i literally don't know what to do)

anyways,, i joined this one kelas pengajian fardhu ain and i've learned that Allah Maha Berkehendak, dan apa sahaja yang dikehendakiNya sejak azali, pasti akan berlaku. so redha is the only option. and one more, we can't control things that out of our control. so...serahkan sahaja pada Allah swt. apa yang kita boleh buat, kita buat. tak boleh, takpe la, itu bukan kerja kita.

and yeah, that's one of many things that im trying to learn and comprehend; redha (accepting). -redha is part of self-love too. i believe.

when u redha, u don't question about it anymore, u just know it's fate and move on.
i know it's hard, but i'm trying.

sorry la kalau merapu hahaha